Friday, July 16, 2010

10 reasons why Twilight sucks

These are the 10 reasons why I hate the damn book!! The movie is bad enough it has it's own whole other list!!

10. Despite her obvious efforts, Valley author Stephanie Meyer is simply an awful writer.




This point has been made clear to the entire world. Sadly, I think her overly simple and cliché writing is what makes the book so appealing. Cracking open a thesaurus doesn't make you a novelist. The word "chagrin" is used constantly out of context. THESAURUS RAPE!! Smeyer uses repetitive writing, and big words to make it seem intelligent. "I saw his incandescent body sparkling scintillating in the sun." <---- Actual line from the book.
Oh, she hates plots too.

9. These are the worst vampires ever imagined in human history.




Rarely do main vampire Edward Cullen and his friends eat at all, despite being "vegetarian" vampires, feeding off animals instead of humans. And where did they gain this conscience? Why do they care if people die? They're vampires! KILL!!!!



8. I want to hit Bella.




Not only is the character of Bella lacking any sort of emotional depth, but she allows herself to fall into the arms of a fucking vampire. Any sane person would be weary of the situation. Not only that, but she proceeds to continue a bizarre codependent relationship with him. This "I love you … but stay away from me … but come here anyway," bullshit that Edward pulls is just unhealthy. On that note …


7. I want to hit Edward.




Mostly because he refuses to end Bella's life by finally feasting on the blood he's wanted for so long and thereby ending the book and MY misery. Go on! She's delicious. WTF is wrong with you



6. Edward is sooooooooooooooooo hot! OMG! Edward is sooooo freakin' dreamy.



You know how I know? Because Meyer makes hundreds of references to his beauty in the book. Seriously, every five lines, there's at least 1 line about "Edward's perfectly sculpted chest" Yuck. All the while, he lives up to being like most hot guys - completely vacant of personality. She goes on and on about nothing but how soft Edward's left ear is. The entire series of Twilight: 80% describing what Edward looks like, 20% of everything else.

None of his creepy behavior, watching Bella as she sleeps, following her around so he can save her, (STALKER ALERT!!) would be tolerated if he weren't 100 percent supa-fine or real. Which leads to point number 5 …




5. Vampires sparkle!





Who knew vampires were so flamboyant? Edward leads Bella to the top of a mountain, where he proceeds to take off his shirt to show her why he can't go in the sun. He's sparkly! Do you get it now Bella!? He can't go out into the sun because people will want to make handbags out of him! Despite that, Bella stares stupidly and tells him he's "beautiful." Surprise, surprise! Barf.



4. "You better hang on, spider monkey."



Worst line EVER. Edward tells Bella to hop on his back, looking back and telling her "you better hang on, spider monkey," because he's going to fly her above the trees and stare at her among the branches. I think I saw this in Tarzan once......




3. The first movie has ruined two of my favorite bands. (not about the book but still...)



Muse and Radiohead are among the likes of Linkin Park and Paramore on the soundtrack. What!? The filmmakers went so far as to edit out a potentially risky Muse lyric in their song "Supermassive Black Hole." The opening line of the song "Oh baby don't you know I suffer? Oh baby can you hear me moan?" was edited down only to the first question. Because you can only moan during sex, you know. (Edward's a 107 year old virgin)


2. Meyer clearly thinks she's Bella.




The plain, average character has five hot guys after her at any given time. Why? Because she's so virtuous and plain! Guys love that! Meyer would know.


1. Bella sucks.




And she's not even a vampire. She is just so damn boring!!has no problem being a "strong" little sassy pants toward her parents, but she can't walk out the door without being victimized and therefore saved by the sparkly Edward. Also, the real reason why Edward can't read Bella's mind is that she has absolutely NOTHING in it, that way any girl can wear Bella's shoes, killing their brain cells 1 by 1 in the process.
Bella just screams anti-feminism and efffectively setting back women 200 years. It this the lesson we want to teach girls who read this book?? "When you BF leaves you it's OK to spiral into depression and commit suicide."

Overall , Twilight is THE WORST BOOK EVER WRITTEN!!



I don't really think we should burn this books though, it means spending money buying it!! However, if you do have one of the four books lying around the house (gift from others or bought yourself then hated it) I suggest you all recycle it.

The thought of the book getting shreded into pieces then recycled to become toilet paper brings joyous tears to my eyes :)

2 comments:

HenkaMukyuuAries said...

*cough* you know what? The whole book is full with Mary Sues and Gary Stus? Dunno wut ish dat? Search google. And do those litmus tests on Edward and Bella. See if they score more than half =w=

And you know what? The author fanatized herself as Bella OAo (ZOMFG?!). That's already the worse in EVERYTHING. Overrall, oh yes, it was out from her imagination, where SHE was the main character in the story. I bet that Bella, in ALL, was based on herself. Her retardness, her everything, HER.

End Babbling. <w<

Miss Impertinence said...

You are correct, I must say. I'm glad to find that you dislike Twilight and are pro-daring female characters. (Who would want to be a Bella when they could be an Eowyn, really?) I'm glad to find more sensible women out there. Keep writing!
-Miss Impertinence

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